When I first arrived at Billie's I was overwhelmed with emotion. It took me a few minutes to get myself back in line. The biggest part of me wanted to just sit down and bawl. There were boxes everywhere. Almost all of Billie's decorations were gone. It was just so clear that she was gone. I know, I know....she died months ago. But I haven't let myself grieve and come to terms with it really. So walking in to her home and all of her stuff being in boxes, well, it was hard in my heart. For the first time ever at Billie's house the tv wasn't on and there was no sound of sports coming from "Gene's room" as all the ladies gathered in the kitchen. It was just hard for me.
Going through all of her things felt strange. I know she would want us all to have something. But it just felt weird asking for anything of hers. Especially since I didn't have her as long as everyone else. But I can say I am so thankful that I was able to be there. I got to spend time with my favorite "Gandy Girls" and they sent us home with some beautiful things that will always remind me of Billie and Gene.
If you've ever seen any if our Christmas photos you've probably seen her Christmas tree. Billie loved Christmas and her tree was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was huge, at least 7 ft or taller, and covered in fake snow. She had "snow" under it also for the presents to sit on. The ornaments were always so beautiful and absolutely perfect. It was my favorite part of Christmas. Seeing that tree, I had never seen anything like it before in my life, well, except in movies. I was able to pick some ornaments from the tree tonight to keep and place on our own tree for the years to come. One in particular caught my eye. I don't know if maybe I am just weird or if know one else caught it. There was a clear ball with "snow" on top of it that reminded me if Billie's tree. I had to have it. If I got no other ornaments, I wanted that one. I also got a few icicles because those were a popular item on Billie's tree every year. These ornaments are going to be such a special thing to me. I am so thankful I was given the opportunity to pick ornaments from Billie's collection.
This family that I married into is so special to me. I love them and cherish the relationships that I have made with each of them. The girls--Lisa, Tisha, & Shannon...I feel so connected to them even though, except for Lisa, we live so far apart. We always enjoy our time together and have so much fun just being ourselves and making jokes. I love them so dearly. And the aunts/cousins or whatever they are....they may be a little crazy at times, but, it's a good crazy. They have all taken me in and made me feel like I am truly one of the "Gandy Girls" and for that, I can never thank them enough. I have been blessed by this family in ways my heart was never truly prepared for. I am so thankful that God sent me such an amazing husband with so many wonderful people in his family.
So tonight as I've sat here and finally cried my tears for Billie, I am reminded of a song by Danny Gokey called "I will not say goodbye"---these words keep coming to me.
"I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky, but I will not say goodbye."
