My "Ride or Die"...

In two days it will have been a full year since my Riley left this world. I k ow that not everyone will understand this post because "a dog is a dog" to so many. Riley wasn't just a dog. He was my best friend, my confidante, my ride or die sidekick. He was the most wonderful companion for all of his 11 years. 

I found Riley by what I call fate. I had seen an add for lab/golden retriever puppies in the newspaper so I went to look. I took one look at this puppy with the golden eyes and fell in love. He needed a bath and a visit to the vet. But he was absolutely perfect. 

He slept with me at night and always slept up near my head. He threw up on me once and I still loved him. He went with me on walks, car rides to Seth's, basically he went with me everywhere but work. He was the best dog and the first one for me to ever get THIS attached to. 

Riley went through all of my biggest and most important life changes. He was with me when I got engaged. He was here when I got married. And he was here for the first 3 years of me being a Mom to Talent. He experienced life with me. He was a part of the biggest moments. He meant the world to me. 

I will never forget his last day. It will always be a very bittersweet memory for me. Riley had arthritis and his joints hurt him so badly. He was limping and having a hard time getting up and down. When I found him, he was in our neighbor's pasture. I brought him back to the yard and I stayed with him until he passed. I remember vividly praying that God take him and not make him suffer. I could tell he was leaving me. It was just a few seconds after I prayed that he left this world while I held him. I've never cried over a dog like I did this dog. Even now almost a year later, I still have tears. This sting has hurt more than I could ever explain. 

Riley was my best friend. He never judged me. He never got upset at me for saying the wrong thing. He was just always there when I needed a friend. Anytime I cried, he would come and sit in front of me and put his head in my lap. Always loving and always caring. 

I miss my dog. No other dog will ever match what he was to me. RIP my sweet Riley dog. I love you and miss you so very much. 

18 years in.....

Around 18 years ago, I met someone who changed my whole world. This person has been a part of my life for so long and our friendship seems like a sisterhood. I want to take the time to say "Thank you" for everything. 

Elizabeth, thank you for giving as much as you take. Thank you for always loving me even when I was the most unlovable. Thank you for telling me the hard truths. Even today as you made me listen to a hard reality, I appreciate it. I know that no matter what our futures bring, you will be there. To cheer me on as I navigate these waters as a parent. And to bring me back down to earth when my head gets to full. You, my friend, are an amazing woman. You make time for the people you love with everything you have going with work, Hun, & just life. I want you to know that it has made a big impact on my family and me. 

My family has been blessed by your friendship in so many ways. You think about us when you are out and about. You make an effort to come to the hospital when one of us is down. You always look out for my baby and his allergies and well being. You bring food when one of us is sick. You pray with me and for me. You pray for my family. I know as Talent grows, you'll be present for his games, plays, musicals, or whatever path he chooses in life. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I am so thankful. 

We love you, Booie. Thank you for just being you. I am not sure I could ever express how very much you are appreciated. I hope I am as good a friend to you as you have been to me. 

The fall.

On February 4th I decided j would start cleaning out my son's closet. It's a mess and I've put it off for as long as I could. I was in the middle of this when my husband comes to get me and tells me I have to leave. My Mammaw had fallen and there was an ambulance on the way. For those that know me, you know I have a VERY strong bond with my Mammaw and Pawpaw. I've been with them and lived close to them my entire life. Some of my most valuable life lessons were learned with them. So, getting a call that Mammaw had fallen was only the beginning of a very hard and scary few days. 

I arrived at Mom & Dad's house where my grandparents now live. There was an ambulance in the driveway and a fire truck at the bottom of the driveway. The sight of a firetruck automatically makes my heart hurt. (My Pawpaw Bazil was a fireman and his funeral was something that changed me forever.) I ran up the driveway and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. 

My Mammaw was laying in the floor of the kitchen. There were paramedics and firemen all around her and asking her questions. She had cried so much her makeup was gone and her face was red. I was frozen. Helpless. I went to my Pawpaw and he was so shaken up. He was in tears. I had to be strong and get it together. I found Mammaw's medicine list and made sure the EMT's knew of her allergies. Honestly, the rest was a blur.

I remember turning my car around to be able to follow the ambulance. I remember speeding like a demon to get to the hospital and be there when she arrived. And I remember waiting for what seemed like an eternity to get to see her. It took a while to get her xrayed, although they were certain she had broken her hip. 

When they finally got her stable and to aroom it was already dark out. They told us that she would have surgery the next day to repair what was broken. I stayed until around 9:00 and then went home. Once I left the hospital, I had to go and take Petey, Mom & Dad's dog, to his new owner. He got the boot because Mammaw tripped over him and fell. Handing him over was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know he went to a great home, but, I adored him and this was hard for me. I cried all the way home. The events of that day were so much for me. I was thankful Mammaw was okay, but, seeing her that way was so difficult. I had held it all in as long as I could. 

The next day I got dressed and went to the hospital for Mammaw's surgery. All of us prayed together. We prayed for the surgeon and his team. We prayed for Mammaw. We just prayed. God was probably getting a little tired of us talking to him, but, we prayed anyway. 

We sat in the waiting room for hours while Mammaw had surgery. My best friend stopped by to sit with us during the surgery. I held it together better with her there. She makes me feel calm when I can't get to that calm place myself. Her voice is one of the most soothing sounds to me. She stayed with us until they came out to talk to us after surgery. I am thankful she was there and praying for my Mammaw too. 

Mammaw's surgery went great. But, she was so sick from the pain and the meds. We had a long ways to go. She started out in the 4th floor with a wonderful nurse. Then after a day or two she was moved to the 3rd floor with nurses that could have been much better. One of them I had turned in for not wearing gloves or washing hands. Others were just over worked and a little slower than I expected them to be. Thankfully she was moved downstairs to the 1st floor where she had a staff of people that were there to teach her to walk and get around. Overall, Mammaw was in the hospital for almost 2 whole weeks. 

She couldn't go to church the first Sunday home, so I stayed with her in case she needed something. We talked and visited. I did Mammaw's fingernails. She walked and then took a nap. Seth brought lunch. It was a great day. 

I have seen my Mammaw get up and walk and get around. She's doing an incredible job and making so much progress. I am so proud of her. I know it has been so hard to have to learn to walk with a new hip. But my Mammaw, she's a fighter. She never gives up or loses hope. She asks God for help and I'm positive He listens. They have a direct connection. I pray I am like her in so many ways. 

This whole event has been so hard. Seeing my Mammaw be in so much physical pain, and seeing Pawpaw in so much emotional pain. It's hard on their favorite grandkid. 

I love my grandparents with everything I have. They have a place in my heart that no one will ever have. They are my vision of what love looks like. They are what Christians should be. They are the kind of people this world needs more of. They are so special to me. I have family that doesn't come around much. They don't get to have daily talks with Mammaw & Pawpaw because they choose not to. I hope they know exactly what they are missing. What kind of relationships they could have if only they tried. I talk to them every single day. I know what they like, what they don't. I know their favorite things and favorite places. I know them like the back of my hand. I'm so proud to be the one who gets that privilege. I'm blessed that my baby has gotten this privilege as well. The fall made me go through so many emotions. So many hard things happened all in one day. But, I wouldn't trade anything as long as I get to have them as my Mammaw & Pawpaw. 

10 years ago

In two days it will have been 10 years since my Pawpaw Bazil left this world to meet my Melba in Heaven. 

Ten years. You'd think by now the sound of fire trucks wouldn't still rip my heart to shreds, but it does. I relive that day every single time I hear fire trucks. I think of him when my son plays with his Planes: Fire & Rescue toys. I smile when Talent calls the fire trucks "woowees" knowing that somewhere up above my Pawpaw is enjoying watching my boy and loving the show. 

I won't lie, I wish more than anything that my child would have gotten to meet him. The selfish, human, part of me wishes that he would have gotten to have his picture climbing all over that truck just like we did. When T asks to play pool it reminds me of playing pool at the firehouse and how very much we loved every single second. 

When I eat mexican food while we watch Planes, I think of the little mexican restaurant that Pawpaw loved so much that had clouds and airplanes painted on the ceiling. We ate there every time we visited. 

Now when we put up our tree at Christmas, I have a "castle" ornament to remind me of all the times we visited and gazed up at the beautiful Baker Hotel. Bubba and I were just so sure it was a castle for royalty. 

Ten years has gone by so fast. I remember when we buried my Pawpaw. Me, standing a few rows back in a red shirt, black pants, & big Texas hair. Trying so hard not to fall apart. Seth standing behind me squeezing my shoulders. I was fine until they did the final call for him on the radio. Never again will I be able to hear a walkie squak and not hear that sound in my mind. Sirens....they bring me back every time. 

Pawpaw Bazil, you'd love this boy of mine. He'd make you laugh. He would sure make your eyes sparkle. I'm certain you'd come in bringing him a bright red fire engine with your picture taped inside like you always did us. And he would be in love. Just like I was. I love you. I miss you always. Ten years didn't make me miss you less. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Hug Melba for me. Love you. 

Goodbye 2014

In 2014.......

Talent turned 3, fractured his foot, and had his first emergency hospital stay at Children's hospital all in the same week. 

We celebrated being married 9 years. 

I had wisdom teeth extracted and discovered it was the worst pain I've ever felt. I have felt pain of child birth and would do that again before having teeth extracted. But, I had the best caretaker, my husband. He never let me go without anything I needed and he took wonderful care of T. 

I lost my best friend and greatest companion, Riley. My heart has never ached for an animal like this before. I still hurt so much and miss him terribly. 

Seth's Aunt Billie passed away. Celebrating Christmas without her was the hardest thing I have done in a while. 

My Pawpaw scared us all with some heart issues. Turns out he has afib and needed a pacemaker.  

We bought two new cows and a bull. We had 7 calves and sold all but two of them. Large Marge and Big Red got to stay and be part of our permanent herd. 

We took a trip to Penasacola Beach. Got to see where the guys at Duck Dynasty sit on the loading docks. And we saw an awesome naval museum. 

My grandparents sold the house I spent a big part of my life in growing up and moved in with my parents. 

I annoyed my friends and family on facebook daily for the entire month of October about allergies and how dangerous it is for children at holidays where food is a big thing. In return, Talent had the biggest Halloween he's ever had. He received more allergy friendly things this year than ever and I've had people tell me that they are now noticing labels on foods when they shop. 

2014 had highs and lows. All in all, it was a wonderful year filled with many great memories and some very bittersweet memories. I know this next year will be filled with even more memories and big moments. It seems like the older I get, the faster time flies. Man, when I was 9 it seemed like a year lasted forever. Now that I'm married and have a child a year seems to go in the blink of an eye. I can't wait to see what this year brings. I start a new job in the next few weeks. Talent may or may not start school. We have a trip to Yellowstone this year. There is a lot going on. I'm excited. So here's to 2015.